Love Unrequited Anonymous
by Eli
Summary: Has your love life been resorted to stalking? We can help. People, this is the crossover of crossovers.


Title: Love Unrequited Anonymous  
  
Author: The lyrical Eli (I've gone lyrical!)  
  
Rating: PG13  
  
Feed Back: (Puts sad puppy dog look on face) Pretty please with sugar on top?"  
  
Summery: Love got you down? Are you a daily stalker? We can help you.  
  
Disclaimer: I own a red fusion Dr. Pepper, a portible C.D. player, and a couple of mixed C.D.'s. That's about it. Plus, I'm a minor. The judge would mock you for suing me.  
  
Dr.Pamela Isley sat down in front of the three gentlemen before her and smiled.  
  
"Hello gentlemen. My name is Dr. Isley and this is the first session for all of you. Would each of you please introduce yourselves and tell a bit about yourself. Please keep in mind that nothing private leaves this room, so feel free to say whatever you want. Do any of you wish to go first?" The three guys just kept silent.  
  
"Okay. You." She pointed to the man on her right. He was a tall, gangly fellow with bleach blond hair. He was extremely pale and had clear blue eyes. "Would you please start?"  
  
"I might as well. My name is Spike, I am about 134 years old and I originated from England, as you can tell from the accent."  
  
"Excuse me Spike, but did you say you were 134 years old?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"How is that possible?"  
  
"I'm a vampire."  
  
"A vampire?"  
  
"Yeah." He put on his vamp face. "See?" Pamela tried not to show her fear.  
  
"Oh, okay. Continue about yourself."  
  
"All right. I'm in love with a vampire slayer named Buffy Summers. We shagged a few times, but I almost raped her and now she isn't speaking to me. Lately I went to Africa and regained my soul, but it hasn't impressed her. I'm starting to think she isn't bloody worth it."  
  
"Realization is a good first step. That was a good introduction Spike. Now, you sir. "She nodded her head to the man in the middle. He was tall and strongly built and had Claudia from interview with a vampire black hair. He was wearing more layers of black clothing than necessary. "Would you please state your introduction?"  
  
"My name is Ian Nottingham and I am thirty-six years old."  
  
"Is that all you care to say? What about your job, family, love intrest?"  
  
"I am an assassin and my family is Kenneth Irons and the frozen statue of Elizabeth Bronte. My love intrest, Sara Pezzini, also happens to be my niece of sorts. I love her, but even I find the fact disturbing, and I like to look at the decapitated pieces of my father, so I'm pretty much screwed up."  
  
"Very intresting, Ian. Just by coming, you're setting your life straight. Now to the last of you." The last gentleman was wearing black like the others, but his clothing seemed to be ancient. This man was for sure oldest one there. He also seemed to carry himself like he was better than any of him. "Sir, it's your turn."  
  
"I was fully aware of that." He snapped. "My name is Aires, and I am the greek god of war."  
  
"Ain't you in love with that Xena gal?" Spike asked.  
  
"The god of war doesn't love! He favors. And this woman refuses to except his favor!"  
  
"Stop acting like we're below you! You're just like me and this incestive bloke next to me!"  
  
"Mortal, how dare you speak so to the god of war!"  
  
"God of war, are you deaf? I'm a bloody vampire, I'm as immortal as you."  
  
"Are you now?! Let's get a window open in here." Aires got up and opened the blinds. Spike flew under Pamela's desk. "Oh bloody hell. What did you do that for?"  
  
"I dominate over all! You." He pointed to Ian. "Should bow at my feet!"  
  
"Screw you!"  
  
"What?!?"  
  
"You heard me." Aires let out a scream and sent a fireball out in his direction. Ian dodged, morphed Excaliber, and put it through Aires' middle. As Ian pulled it out from him, Aires healed as good as new.  
  
"What the hell?" They both said.  
  
"What happened? Is someone decapitated? Doc, will you stop taking notes and close the blinds?" Pamela got up and did as Spike asked, and then returned to her seat and continued to watch as the three men argued.  
  
"That bracelet turns into a sword! I must have it!"  
  
"Over my dead body!"  
  
"So be it." Aires let out blasts of fireballs as Ian continued to dodge. Spike snuck up from behind and now had his fangs in Aires' neck. With Spike's distraction, Ian lunged out with Excaliber at Aires.  
  
"Hey, double teaming! No fair!" He dodged Ian's attack, which flew straight into Spike's arm.  
  
"Hey, I was on your side! I'll get you for that." Spike dislodged himself from Aires long enough to take a swing at Ian. He hit his target, and then got blasted in the back from Aires.  
  
"You bloody coward!" He dodged Aires' next attack and upper cutted him in the jaw. Aires shoved Spike into the wall, and then threw another fireball at Ian. Ian used Excaliber to send the blast straight onto Pamela's desk. It collided with her pot of roses. Pamela's fear got overidden with her anger. It was time for her plan to come into action.  
  
"Stop! All of you! Dammit!" All three men stopped and looked at her. All clearly shocked with the sudden outburst of the petite woman. Pamela was in tears.  
  
"You mother fuckers killed my babies!"  
  
"Doc, chill. They were just roses!"  
  
"Just roses? Just roses? You bastards will pay."  
  
"Mortal, how dare you threaten the god of war?!" He tried to blast her in the stomach, but she dodged. She grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him. Then, she went to Spike and Ian and kissed both of them as well. All three men stared at her dumb founded. She just smiled wickedly as Aires fell to the ground dead. Spike and Ian were horrified and both lunged at her, but were too late. They died before they were even close enough to take a swing at her.  
  
Pamela picked up her pot of roses off the ground and gave out a sigh of relief as she found no injuries to them. "Ahhhhhh babies. Did those over grown hunks of testosterone try to hurt you? It's okay. They're all dead now." She placed them back on her desk and pressed her intercom. "Harley? Please deliver this message to the following people: Ms. Buffy Summers, Ms. Sara Pezzini, and Ms. Xena. The message is: Stalkers eliminated. Party at my house at six. Got that, Harley?"  
  
"Yeah, Red."  
  
"Thank you. you're invited too, Harley."  
  
"Thanks, Pamela. I'll deliver the messages A.S.A.P."  
  
"Thank you. Could you also call Felix? I need him to clear out these bodies before my next patients come."  
  
"Good as done. Anything else?"  
  
"Nah, that's it Harley."  
  
"Okay."  
  
The End  
  
Eli: Just so no one's confused, here's the info: Spike= Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ian Nottingham= Witchblade. Aires= Xena: The Warrior Princess. Pamela Isley= Poison Ivy, Batman. Note to Witchblade fans: The Excaliber is a male version of the witchblade which Ian wields in the comic. I think this is too confusing. But it's my first try at pure humor, so be kind. 


End file.
